Entrepreneurship is not an easy path – I'm pretty sure if you're here, you know that by now. Add a marriage and family into the mix, and it can seem like a perfect recipe for overwhelm. But it doesn't have to be: a great marriage can be a huge asset for your business and vice versa.
My husband Dediako and I field questions all the time about how we've built our family life around my business. Today, I'm sharing a conversation he and I had with my mastermind group about how we get everything done, how we stay connected, and what it's really like being married to an entrepreneur. This is just a snapshot into what the mastermind is like, and if you're interested in joining the Million Dollar Badass Mastermind Program, reach out!
Dediako and I talk about how we negotiate splitting up domestic chores, how we navigate conversations about money, and some of our little tips for keeping your marriage front and center. We also describe our daily routine and how it's changed, and Dediako shares some of the benefits and challenges of being married to an entrepreneur. We really dig into a lot of great questions about balancing business and life, and I think you'll get a ton out of this episode whether you're married or not.
Your homework is to schedule a time to talk with your significant other (if you have one). This time should be free of distractions – no TV, no kids, no other distractions. This is a time for you to sit down together, talk about your life, and make plans. How is your relationship doing? Your financial life? Your sex life? The domestic load around the house? This isn't a time to argue and be combative – it should be a time to reconnect with your partner and have some fun thinking about the things you want to accomplish together.
Rachel: What I have learned is that there is more work to go around than there are people with energy.
Dediako: I agree. Outsource as much as you can. Seriously. I mean, I would give up Netflix, Hulu, Chinese food on the weekends.
Rachel: Jimmy Choo’s.
Dediako: Right. Pretty much anything, I'd give up. My sneakers, everything if I had to in order to outsource because when you get that energy back…
Rachel: It's buying time.
Dediako: Yes, and time is the most precious thing in this world.
Welcome to The Million Dollar Badass Podcast. I'm your host, Rachel Rodgers, wife, mother to four children, lover of Beyoncé, coffee drinker, and afro wearer, and I just happen to be the CEO of a seven-figure business. I am on a mission to help every woman I meet become a millionaire. If you want to make more money, you are in the right place. Let's get it going.
Hello friends. I have something special for you guys today. So it has been requested many times to hear from my husband and I on how we manage marriage and entrepreneurship. So today's guest is my wonderful husband Dediako Rodgers. And so what we talk about today is marriage and entrepreneurship. How we manage building our business and having four kids, managing our household, taking care of ourselves, and taking care of each other and our relationship in the process.
So we really, really dig in. Now guys, this is a very special episode. This is something that we recorded just for our masterminders, so just for the people that are members of our Million Dollar Badass mastermind program, but you guys are going to get a special treat. You're getting a sneak peek into the mastermind and the kinds of things that we do in that program, so I'm excited to share this with you.
Now, I will tell you the audio is not the typical quality for this podcast so just prepare yourself. You might need to turn it up a little bit because there's a little bit of background noise. This was not recorded in my podcast studio so you will have to deal with that, but I think it'll be totally worth it because it's super, super juicy.
So we talk about how do we negotiate managing the domestic load and how to approach our husbands to talk about this, to talk about sharing the household duties. This is really important for women entrepreneurs. If you are doing everything, guess what, you don't have time to run your business.
We talk about how do I approach him, how do we have those conversations when I'm thinking about making a big financial investment in my business that'll affect our lifestyle and take a lot of money out of our savings or put it on our credit card, what is that conversation like. So we talked about that.
We talked about what sucks and what's awesome about being married to an entrepreneur, and I think this will be really, really helpful for you ladies to hear what it's like to be married to you. What it's like for your significant other to deal with you as an entrepreneurial woman. We talked about our daily routine, we break down what kind of help we have. How we implemented getting help and what did we do before we had help.
We talked about how we divvy up responsibilities, how we seek support from each other, how we take care of ourselves and spend time together to ensure our marriage is in great shape. My husband shares his perspective on how important is it to marry another entrepreneur or someone who really supports your vision and what do you do if you don't have someone who really supports your vision as your spouse.
So we shared all of this juicy stuff. We really dug into our personal lives and what the background of running this business actually looks like, and just so you have some context, my husband is a stay-at-home dad. He is a very accomplished human being. He had a very successful career making six figures before I started this business. He decided to leave that job because he wasn't loving it and he has flipped many houses, so that was another career he had, which is real estate investing. Flipping houses, having tenants, so he's done a lot of that in New York City and is still involved in real estate even now.
And he stays at home, so he stays at home with our kids, he manages our household, he manages our kids’ lives with their after-school activities and getting them to and from school and making sure they have what they need. So we talk a little bit about what that looks like and how we negotiated that and how it works for us, for me being a breadwinner and him being a stay-at-home dad, which is non-traditional, in terms of traditional gender roles, which are bullshit. We all know they're bullshit.
So anyway, I think that's enough of a preface for you guys. I hope you really enjoy this episode. Super juicy, I'm feeling a little like oh my gosh, I'm sharing my personal live with the whole world, but I think it's totally worth it because I think it's going to be so helpful for you guys in negotiating your relationships in a way that really supports you, supports your marriage, and supports your business. So please enjoy this episode with my hubby, Dediako Rodgers.
Rachel: Hello guys and welcome to this discussion about entrepreneurship and marriage. And it's something that gets brought up on a regular basis so I thought it would be a good topic to discuss and my poor husband – this is Dediako Rodgers. You can call him D. He has great things to share, I think, about being married to an entrepreneur and what that's like, how to get support from your spouse, how to maybe approach your spouse on things like spending money on your business and making those big investments.
I know I've had those conversations with him several times. Balancing out the household chores and what that can be like, and just approaching those different conversations, how you navigate that. So entrepreneurship is all about the community that you're in. I talk about that all the time, you all hear me say that all the time, and guess who's a huge part of your community? Your spouse. I don't talk to anybody more than I talk to him every day, probably.
So you're with them all the time, they're affecting you on a regular basis and so you need to get on the same page. So that's really important, and I shared that article, which is his favorite thing to give people when they're like, how do I navigate this, we actually just recently had a good friend that called you to talk about – and this is a guy friend who was saying his wife wasn't supporting him in his entrepreneurial journey.
So it's super important, and if you guys have any questions for us, hit us in the chat. We have a bunch of questions that people sent ahead of time and so we'll go through those and then share whatever else. So let's get this party started. So let's start with this question because I think this is relevant, and I also think for us as women entrepreneurs, it's good for us to understand our husband's perspective when they're dealing with us and our journeys that we're on. So let's start with this. What sucks about being married to an entrepreneur?
Dediako: This is what sucks. So you got in the world, you bust your ass to make money and someone might write something nasty about you or you just have a crappy day and then you come home and you decompress to me, which is cool. I get upset and I don't really have anybody I can decompress to because no one's going to internalize your struggle the way I do. So it's kind of like I'm sitting with this weight on my shoulder and I'm just like, what do I do? What do I do?
A lot of times I'll just get upset. I'll be quiet or I'll go workout or something but that's the toughest part I would have to say about being married to an entrepreneur I think is just dealing with – because you know, shit rolls down a hill, so you at the top, so if shit is on your shoulders, then it comes down to mine and I have nowhere to put it. So that's pretty much it.
Rachel: That's the worst part? Okay, that's actually a good point, and to be honest, I feel like I did that as a lawyer as well.
Dediako: Yeah, but it's still entrepreneurial.
Rachel: Well no, because you know what I'm thinking of because I used to clerk for a judge in family law. Megan says, “I 100% do this with my partner.” Alex says, “I never thought of it that way,” and me neither, so actually this is eye-opening for me. Take notes for myself. But I feel like I did that when I was a lawyer too when I worked at the courthouse remember, because everybody was going through divorces, it was like, child custody cases, children being taken away from their parents. I mean, it was heavy shit and then I would come home and dump.
Dediako: Yeah, but that's cool because it's their stuff. That doesn't directly affect our relationship or our bottom line or how comfortable we were at the time. So that's alright, I can deal with that. But it's stuff that actually…
Rachel: When like, I'm upset that somebody has said something about me online or clients upset…
Dediako: Yeah, or you can see some mistreatment in some way, it's just kind of like, I kind of blow it up. It's almost like a parental response. You instantly want to go into protection mode and you know how dare they treat you that way. That's life, right? You get knocked down and get back up. But the part about it that sucks is that you're like, who am I supposed to talk to about this because sometimes intimate and – I don't have anybody to talk to. I guess I could talk to a therapist but that's another story.
Rachel: So apparently, all of our spouses need therapy from dealing with us.
Dediako: Not from dealing with you but so that they can…
Rachel: No, I think that's true.
Dediako: You need that outlet.
Rachel: You almost need like maybe if there was another person, male or female who is married to an entrepreneur, who has to deal with…
Dediako: You can bounce ideas back and forth. But I have a very small community and I guess I have maybe one friend who's an entrepreneur but he got his own problems. I can't be…
Rachel: Of course you can, but I see what you're saying though and I think what I take away from that is maybe be selective with us. Don't come home and dump everything, especially when it's bullshit. Maybe don't really – have a way to process it or maybe talk about it so that it doesn't feel…
Dediako: I think that's great because I think that it becomes a habit. So then I'm hearing everything now. Someone give me a Starbucks; tomatoes weren't ripe at the grocery store. I'm like yeah, who cares?
Rachel: Yes, okay. So really what this is boiling down to is complaining. Is that what it is? Or somewhat that.
Dediako: I feel like we get into habits sometimes. It starts off as one thing and then it kind of morphs into something that's just out of control where it can happen with anything. But we start complaining about things that don't even matter anymore just because we're just used to complaining or used to – everything is bad. And you're like, well what's good if everything is so bad?
Rachel: Yes. Kim is saying, “I can see that, I think that's where the value of the mastermind comes in. It gives us a place to vent that's not our partners.” Yes, 100%.
Dediako: That is awesome.
Rachel: And also, a place to vent with people who can really get it because they're in it from day to day, like they're in these communities or they know who the players are, that kind of thing.
Dediako: Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with you coming home and venting to me because sometimes we figure out some really good things. But it's just like I have to sift through all of it to see what's not really that important. I mean, some things stand out. It's a lot of information to sift through.
Rachel: Yes, I get that, and I think maybe just being a little bit more selective.
Dediako: Right, and mind you, if you beefing, I got things to beef about too, but I don't want to inundate you with my problems because it seems like yours is so great.
Rachel: Like you're up against the world. That's true, and I definitely – we all have moments where we're being a little dramatic about whatever's going on for us and maybe we don't need to bring that drama into our household all the time.
Dediako: Sometimes it's cool.
Rachel: So Megan says, “That's our biggest problem. I dump all my shit but he doesn't feel like he can put anything on me.”
Dediako: Right, because we need you to go out in the world and be successful the next day so you can't be carrying along my luggage along with yours so that's where…
Rachel: That's fascinating. I see now if I would have answered for you, I would have never guessed that you would have said that. That was good. Okay, so let's talk about what's great about being married to an entrepreneur? What do you like about it? Or what do you think some of the benefits are?
Dediako: I like the flexibility. I like the strength I see in you. Probably that. That has inspired me the most.
Rachel: Oh my gosh, do not get all sappy because then I'm going to cry. No sappiness.
Dediako: But you know what I mean, entrepreneurship is tough and you can easily go out there and get a nine to five, make $15 dollars, you can make $100 an hour, but to run your own business and just reach for the stars, people always try to knock you down or you know, let me not even say people. Just say you always get thrown a curveball and to see you continually knock that out the park, I love it.
Rachel: Awesome. That's awesome.
Dediako: I try to be more like that in my life.
Rachel: I love that. That was such a great answer. Alex is like, “Now I'm crying.” We're moving on because I refuse. Kim's crying.
Dediako: Me too.
Rachel: Oh my gosh, hilarious. Let's talk about this. How should a woman – well no, let's talk about our daily routine because that was one thing that people asked about. So what is our daily routine like and someone specifically asked how was it at first when we first started, like when I was an entrepreneur whatever, like starting this business…
Dediako: This one or the law practice?
Rachel: Well, let's say the law practice because that's when I really started as an entrepreneur. What have we learned and what have we implemented?
Dediako: I learned that…
Rachel: You learned a lot.
Dediako: Yeah, I learned that I can always do more. So it's kind of like, she will ask me to do something and I'll be like, don't I do enough? And then I'll just sit back and I'll be like, alright, I can do more, and that's kind of the mindset I've trained myself to get into. What more can I do? Do more, do more, do more. Don't ask for more but just do more because you want to push the train forward, you want the team to keep moving. And she's the head and I'm like, I guess the caboose or something – the point is we want the head to keep moving. The way you make the head keep moving is by doing more.
So you remember we used to sort of split cooking or something like that and it was I do four days and you do three or something like that. But anyway, I quickly realized that that went from me doing four days to me doing all days and I got upset about it but I didn't say anything. I was just like, alright, I can do it because I understand what's going on here. So I just kind of think about that in every aspect of our relationship and I just do more. I'm here because I want to do more. I don't like being on video but she asked me to.
So you know, that's my spirit. Do more. What more can I do? And trust me, it sucks a lot of times but that's just what you do. Everyone's going to put in the hard work and that's my hard work. My hard work is to do more and supporting her and that's what I think about.
Rachel: Suzy was like, where did you find this guy? Great question. Do they have more where he came from. Okay, but how do you feel like that has worked out for you? How has that benefitted you?
Dediako: It's actually made my life easier because now there's no angst or very little angst about doing more when it's asked of me. It's just like, that's the routine and this is how you form habits, by doing something over and over. So you just do more and you keep doing more and before you know it, that's just what you do. You just do more and your partner appreciates that. And I don't get a thank you every day in the traditional sense but you can just see that she feels that you feel better about certain things.
Rachel: Suzy says, “That's the message, focus on service.” And I think that's so true in relationships in general, when you're like what can I get out of it all the time, trust me, y'all going to be fighting all the time, you're going to need…
Dediako: Well, that's the weird thing because I think that if you're in a relationship and you want the best for you, then you have to be the best – you have to put yourself out there as the best you. That's the only way you can get more out of someone else is by being the best you. And then you realize you know, this person is for me or this person is not for me.
Rachel: Because that's totally a possibility.
Dediako: Right, because if you're the best you and they're sucking the life out of you, you might have to get away from them. But if you're the best you and they're the best them, then your team is so strong that nothing can stop you.
Rachel: Then when the challenges come along, it's you two against the challenge instead of you two against each other.
Dediako: And then the challenge.
Rachel: Yes, and I think that's how you have to approach things. Not like what I need, what I can get all the time, but just thinking about the unit. And I do think that a lot of women do that, so – but I just think talking about it, it's important to talk about what you need but also thinking about what do I need to provide, what am I bringing to the table. Because it's easier to ask for more when you're doing a lot. One of the things that he wants is a Porsche and I'm like, I'm definitely buying you a Porsche the moment that I can make that happen.
Dediako: And you really want to think about – I can't stress this enough – what more can I do. So if you think about what more you can do, then you don't have to worry about your partner. That's how I feel.
Rachel: That's very Dalai Lama of you.
Dediako: I don't think so.
Rachel: It's very enlightened. No, I think it is because I think that is not the norm. That is not the norm.
Dediako: Well it should be. It should be.
Rachel: I agree. I do think it should be, especially in a family unit and I think it's true even in your relationship with your children. You have to – you're in service to them but you also have to ask them. One of the things that I say to the kids is like, everybody lives here, everybody gets to benefit, so everybody has to chip in. So if that means y'all got to go upstairs, you got to leave the house so that we can do this, or you have to clean up or you have to set the table, you have to contribute to this family just like mommy contributes, just like daddy contributes, and I think it's important to teach them that so they're not selfish assholes, to be honest.
Dediako: From the time I get up is give me, give me, give me, want more, more, more.
Rachel: It can get out of control. But they also have moments where they're very kind and they are looking to be supportive. So it's both, and they're children and that's how it is but I think it's important to teach them how to become adults that don't just think about yourself all the time. Okay, so what else do you want to share about divvying up responsibilities or what are the things that we learned along the way?
See, here's one thing that I think we've learned that I think is super important. What I have learned is that there is more work to go around than there are people with energy to do it.
Dediako: I agree. Outsource as much as you can. Seriously. I mean, I would give up Netflix, Hulu, Chinese food on the weekends.
Rachel: Jimmy Choo’s.
Dediako: Right. Pretty much anything I've give up. My sneakers, everything if I had to in order to outsource because when you get that energy back…
Rachel: It's buying time.
Dediako: Yes, and time is the most precious thing in this world. Believe me. That's something you can't get back. That three seconds ago, I can't get that back. So it's just like, that commodity is what you want to pay for. Time. You want to pay people to do services for you so you can free up your time so that you can spend it with your family, make more money or a combination of the two, whatever.
Rachel: I agree. And I think that – I knew a couple who had one kid. So they both worked, they have one child, they were still fighting all the time about dividing labor because with just one child, or even with just one household. There's so much that needs to be cleaned, there's so much that needs to be done. And that's why I'm constantly telling you guys, outsource, outsource, outsource, outsource because people say like, how do you do it all? We don't. We don't do it all. We outsource at least some of it so that we're not bogged down and exhausted all the time.
So that means having a personal assistant that can send out gifts to our nieces and nephews, that run the kids to taekwondo because neither one of us is in the mood and we need a break, who can take them on a Saturday out for a couple of hours so we can have a break, who can help out even with stuff in the business, go mailing things, whatever. So personal assistant and then also having a nanny. And I mean, we survived three children with no regular childcare.
Dediako: Yeah, but looking back at it now I'm not really sure how…
Rachel: That was very – it was tenuous at times. And trust me, this is not – we have not – I feel like we are the best version of ourselves right now that we have been, but we've definitely had challenges along the way. We've definitely been to couples therapy a few times. We went to premarital counseling before we got married and talked about the division of labor and equality.
Dediako: That's important.
Rachel: We were very clear on that before we even got married. So I think that's really important because if you think about what destroys marriages, it's literally the fucking dishes. It's literally the little bullshit every day that becomes an enormous mountain of – what's the word I'm looking for? Not regret. Resentment. Exactly. Where it's like I fucking hate this human being that I live with because you feel not loved, you feel not respected, you feel not cared for, and guess what, so does your partner.
Dediako: But meanwhile, if you think about it, the things that you regret, if you could somehow take that on yourself, the regret should disappear. Because now you've taken away the problem. And maybe that's not clear but…
Rachel: You're saying basically instead of fighting over it just say I'm going to handle this. See, here's the thing too. I think there's a part of that too of not always necessarily getting your way and recognizing that this is a constant negotiation. And things change. It was spring and now it's winter and now we have to renegotiate how our daily life works.
Dediako: And I think that people think that compromise is something that's pretty. Like to me, real compromise is something that's very ugly. It's always the things you don't want to do. That's what you're going to compromise on. Oh, I got to go pick up that dog shit?
Dediako: If compromise was, I'm going to snuggle with the baby then everybody would, but that's not what compromise is. Compromise is doing the ugly things that you don’t want to do and maybe you don't have to do it all the time but you're going to do it enough to where that's where the compromise is.
Rachel: I agree and I think one of the things that – honestly that you have taught me about compromise is you're not compromising and saying I'm going to do it and then stomp around and you're super passive aggressive and you're like, I'm not talking to you for three days because I had to do that thing. That's not compromise. Compromise is alright, I'm going to do that, I'm going to eat that and I'm not even going to be a dick about it.
Dediako: I'm just going to get it done.
Rachel: I'm just going to do it and move on. And that's really what it is, and that's what you have to do. And honestly, it's a great parallel for building a business because you got to eat shit in your business on a regular basis all the time too, where you got to do things you don't feel like doing, you have to deal with things, you have to pay for things that you don't want to pay for. That's all part of it and I think that's part of having success is recognizing that there's a portion of it that's going to suck.
And I really do think it's 80/20. 80% – like I'm cool with doing, and I think we have had tons of conversations about what I want to do, what he wants to do, what he hates doing, what I hate doing. And I just say okay listen, so these are the things that have to get done. I'll tell you right now I don't want to do this, this, and this. But I really don't mind doing and probably would even enjoy doing this, this, and that. So do you want to do this, this, and this? Let's talk about it.
And having an open and honest conversation about what you don't want to do, and of course, everybody's going to take something on that list that they don't want, but I think having that conversation and dividing, and I think one of the things that women do and you know, I feel like you're a special unicorn but I could be wrong about that. I feel like you are. But I feel like one of the things women do is like, they just do everything and then have complete resentment.
And it's like, don't do that either. Don't take the whole fucking list. I'm not doing that. And honestly, some of it is – he says that to me and I say that to him sometimes. I'm not fucking doing that. I'll do this over here or what do I need to do to make that okay, what else can I take off your plate than that, I'm not fucking doing that. We've got to find another solution. But it's not me saying fuck you, I'm not doing that. It's saying fuck that thing, let's find another solution. It's me and you against the problem rather than us against each other.
Dediako: That's what – you want to minimize the tension between you and your spouse because the team has to be strong in order to progress forward.
Rachel: 100%. And I will tell you the best way to diffuse that tension is to have lots of sex. Have lots of sex.
Dediako: Stressed out, have sex.
Rachel: Yes, I'm telling you, yes, it is the best. It is a reset button and if everybody has had a recent orgasm, suddenly things are more tolerable. It is – I'm telling you, this is the advice I give my friends who are newly married and they're like he won't do this and he won't do that and I'm pissed about all of these things.
And then when we dive deeper it's like, oh we haven't had sex in three months. I was like, well step one, have sex, then have the conversation because trust me, it's going to be a way better conversation and everyone is going to be so much nicer if you've had sex recently. So that is definitely an important part of it, and like, that is the most practical advice I can give you because it's so true and you just have to kind of like, learn it and just fucking do it.
I'm telling you, it will make your life easier and I will say, I think you're more likely – both parties are more likely to get what they want when you're coming from that space. And there's just something about that – and even if it's not – let's say it's not sex but if it's physical contact, there's something about that that just reminds you that you are partners, that you're a couple. Sometimes you have to get back to that because the fucking domestic life, managing money, managing kids, none of that is hot or sexy.
Dediako: If you can, you guys should take the love language test too. I really believe in that because if your spouse's love language is say, gifts, but you're telling them how great they are…
Rachel: They don't want to hear no fucking compliments. Go get a new purse.
Dediako: Go get her whatever it is.
Rachel: Yes, and for some people it's like, acts of service but you keep buying them gifts and they're like fuck that gift.
Dediako: So just don't waste your time on stuff that's not working. It's easier to figure out that way.
Rachel: I totally agree. I think that that's super important. I used to – oh my gosh, and the other thing too, I think the biggest part of this too is really just accepting your spouse for who they are, not trying to change them, not trying to lull them into something else, and recognize that this is the partner you chose so you chose them for a reason. And also too, always face the truth of the matter because the truth might be that it's not the right match for you and you have to move on for whatever reason.
Dediako: And my wife's not going to like me saying this but I'm going to say it anyway. That is something I evaluate probably on a daily basis. Whether I want to do this anymore and you always got to be evaluating and reevaluate because I may lie to a lot of you guys but I'm not going to lie to myself. So if I don't want to put in that work and she keeps asking me to put in work, I got to start to think…
Rachel: Why am I not putting in that work? Is it that I don't want to be here?
Dediako: Is it that I don't want to be here, right. It's important.
Rachel: I think that that's true and I think that that's fair, and I think that both parties should be doing that because you know why, because I feel like it keeps it fresh when you are realizing no, this relationship is very important and the last thing I want is to not be together or whatever, then suddenly you're coming at the problem of who's going to cook tonight from a different perspective instead of being like, fuck you. Because it's really not fuck you because that person matters to you.
And I think I just posted something in one of our Facebook groups earlier today that is a quote from Stephen Covey that says don’t forget to keep the main thing the main thing. And so for me, I started this business for the sake of my family, to create generational wealth, to have a flexible schedule so I can spend time with my husband and my children.
So you got to keep that in perspective and just be like okay, sometimes you got to take a step back and be like, what the fuck am I doing? This is a hot mess, and sometimes you got to come at it from a different approach that makes sense for you and what is important to you. And so if your household and your family is important, which I think for most of us it's number one, then keep it that and also look at your schedule and see does it show that. Are you just working 12 hours a day every day and you never spend time at home or do you have things carved out for I'm going to do the doctor's appointments, I go to the parent teacher conferences. I probably do too much. There's probably a little bit of it that I can let go of, trying to balance it all.
But you know, do you have time carved out in your schedule. And this is also why we outsource because at the end of the day, I don't want to finish my workday and then go fucking do a bunch of domestic labor because I just don't enjoy it, I don't want to do it. What I want to do is go hang out with my kids and watch Masterchef Junior.
And I was so cranky last night but I got in bed with my son Jackson, all I wanted to do was just snuggle with my kids so I got in bed with my son Jackson, we read this book, My Pet Wants a Pet. It is a fucking hilarious book. We were all cracking up, Riley and Jackson, and we just had a great time. That's what I want to do. I don't want to do labor for them, I don't want to do their laundry at the end of the day or cook their dinner. I don't want to do that. I want that shit done so we can just hang out. So I think that's why asking for help or hiring help is super important.
Dediako: It's super important and it'll move your business forward exponentially. Talking about in dollars, real dollars. Because now you have time to focus on the business that you would have otherwise been focused on doing laundry or dinner or you know…
Rachel: There better not be anybody in this mastermind that does their own laundry.
Dediako: That doesn't make sense.
Rachel: It makes zero sense. How much did you spend to…
Dediako: Unless that's your hobby.
Rachel: No, fuck that. Get a better hobby. When we dropped off laundry – now our nanny does it but we used to drop off laundry. What did it cost?
Dediako: $65 maybe?
Rachel: For a family of five. $65 a week. And if you got less people in your household, it's going to be less. When it was just the two of us, it was $30. If you don't give them that $30 and get that shit off your plate…
Dediako: Don't think about it.
Rachel: Yes, and the thing is not because that time would have been spent working, because you need to relax.
Dediako: No, downtime is just as important as work time. That brain needs to be – you know how your phone acts up sometimes and you got to reset it. Same thing with downtime. Just got to relax and think about other things. A lot of times it'll bring clarity to issues that you have in your business or issues that you have in your life when you just don't think about it. Just kind of let your subconscious marinate and it'll come through, trust me. Believe in the process.
Rachel: I go take a hot bath, I get in the shower, I go hang out with my kids. You just have to – she needs to get over her fear of germs. Listen, you can give them whatever soap you want and you should find a place like, these places do not – they don't wash your laundry with other people's laundry. They wash it separate. So if you're comfortable using a Laundromat to do your laundry at a Laundromat, it's the same thing. Only thing that's shared is the actual washer, but it's a separate load. Or if that's too much for you, get somebody to come to your house and do it because I'm telling you, it'll cost you the same thing. If it's $15 an hour for a few hours a week…
Dediako: Come do this laundry.
Rachel: Yeah, seriously, start asking for help.
Dediako: And that's another thing too. A lot of outsourcing you don't need to have people on staff. You use them a la carte. I need you to come run this errand for me. There's so many services nowadays that's like that.
Dediako: Now is prime for you guys to be highly successful. Take advantage of the resources that are available.
Rachel: I think it starts with valuing your time and that is definitely something that you have taught me.
Dediako: Yeah, people don't value their time. Listen, if you want to upset me, waste my time.
Rachel: First of all, not only that or like, have him do some shit that he really don't want to do. And especially in a social setting like I'm at this event that I really don't want to fucking be at when I could be home chilling with my family, fuck this. So he's very much about that and very protective of his time, which I know is a really bad habit of mine, I'm not protective enough with my time. But you have to realize that also costs you. If I take on too much or if I'm not protecting my time, then I'm also not protecting the time that we get to spend together or that I get to spend with the kids, so that affects everybody involved.
Dediako: And the business is going to suffer. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually, if you don't take time for yourself, everything suffers. Home life, business, it all comes crashing in.
Rachel: I agree. You get the point. Fucking hire some help immediately. Okay, so let's talk about this. How should a woman or – let's say women because that's what our audience is. If she wants to make a big financial investment in her business, how should she approach the conversation with her spouse?
Dediako: I mean, we always talk about our financial moves in the business. Personally, I don't care. Spend what you're going to spend, do what you need to do in order to get to that next level or move the business forward. But everyone's not like that about money. A lot of people are skittish about cash and I just feel like cash is made to spend. Spend it, make more.
So you know, but I can't tell your significant other to think like that. That's a process. That's something that they have to work – I don't know their traumas. I haven't worked a day in their life or why they think the way they do. That's just how I feel. I'm like listen, give your partner the respect to let them know what you're going to do and why you're doing it and you know…
Rachel: Recognizing that it's a shared pot. Just like you don't go out and buy a new car and don't tell me. So if I'm buying something of equal value as a car or even if it's not that but it's a significant – you know, everybody knows, I think you kind of know and if you don't, you should have this conversation. You should decide what is that dollar amount where we need to have a discussion.
You and I will spend $100 or $500 on something and we're not going to have a conversation about it. It just gets shipped and it shows up at the house. We're like, oh, what did you buy, and that's what it is. But there is a certain dollar amount, and I don't even know exactly what it is but if it's significant enough, it's something that is going to be a conversation.
And a lot of times too, I want input on the financial decisions I'm making and I think you do too when you're thinking about some of the decisions that you're making like purchases you're going to make and you're like, maybe you're going to buy whatever, whether it's a car – I say cars all the time because he loves cars. So it could be a car, it could be like remember that water filtration system, or a new landscaper who's going to do some work around the house, or whatever.
We have a conversation about it, and I think it's just a mutual respect thing. And it's not a hat in hand, can I spend this money kind of conversation. It's a I'm thinking about doing this, what do you think? And getting that perspective because maybe sometimes they remind you well, we said we were going to do this, is this more important than that? If you're saying yes to this, what are you saying no to. Sometimes they can give you that feedback. And I also think it comes from trust. I think it comes from trusting your partner that they're not going to fuck over your household.
Dediako: Well, I mean, that's a tough one.
Rachel: But see, these are the things that you should have conversations about. This is why you got to turn off the TV and literally just have discussions.
Dediako: I don't know.
Rachel: What? The trust thing?
Dediako: No. Trust is earned, not given. You build it every day and if you lose it, it's going to be very hard to get back.
Rachel: You can get it back, but sometimes it takes time.
Dediako: I find it hard to think that you have to worry about whether your partner's going to…
Rachel: Support you in your financial decisions?
Dediako: Not even support but fuck the household over.
Rachel: I agree. But you know what, some people have – you have a very abundance mindset whereas a lot of people have a scarcity mindset and some of you may have spouses that have a scarcity mindset so they get freaked out when you make an investment in your business because they're like, how are we going to get that money back? Are we going to get a return? What are we losing?
Dediako: Here's a good way to look at – I feel like listen, I'm going to spend this money on my business and you're not getting it back. How do you feel about that? And the reason I say that is because the pressure of giving it back is greater than spending the money. But if you feel like the money's gone…
Rachel: You just let it go and move on.
Dediako: You just let it go and move on.
Rachel: I see that. I also think that's something you can study. We all read The Abundance Code over the summer in the mastermind so that's something you can just share with your spouse and say hey, can I read this passage to you, or I'm reading this book, here's what it's saying, let's discuss, what do you think about this?
And seeing it as almost like treating them like a friend because they are. Like, let's have a discussion about this, this is something I've been thinking about. Approaching it that way because I think sometimes, at least what I see in my law moms’ group, which is like, craziness. It's like 10,000 women who feel free saying whatever they really think and a lot of is they want to control everything. It's the same thing with the domestic household like, receiving support.
Like for example, if I say okay, I'm going to be gone for the weekend because I'm going to a business event, but then I give you a list of you have to do all of these things with the children and it has to be done just so while I'm gone. How do you feel about that?
Dediako: It wouldn't be happening. We're going to do what I want to do.
Rachel: Exactly, right. So you're just going to have to let your partner do their thing and do it their way and not try to control everything. Maybe your way is better, but it ain't happening this weekend because you want to be free. So just enjoy your freedom and shut the fuck up. I think that is the wanting the perfection and like oh, my laundry has to be done perfectly, my household has to be cleaned perfectly, the way the children are managed has to be done perfectly, and it's just like, let that shit go because otherwise it leads to all kinds of problems and they're not going to do it your way anyway and then you'll never be free.
I actually knew a woman who – she had a son who was eight years old and she had never spent a night away from him, and I was like, I feel sorry for you. You need to get away from that child.
Dediako: And also, if you're so concerned about those things, then maybe entrepreneurship is not for you and you should be a domestic.
Rachel: Well, that's the truth.
Dediako: Because you seem to be more concerned – unless you're using that to distract yourself from your business, which if that's the case…
Rachel: That's also another possibility.
Dediako: What it is you need to be doing in your business and get to it, stop being distracted by crap that's irrelevant.
Rachel: Agreed. So let's see, what other questions. This was a question somebody asked. How important is it to marry another entrepreneur or someone who supports your vision?
Dediako: They don't necessarily have to be an entrepreneur but they need to support you, I feel like as much as possible. They got to be all in. If you're all in, that's what you should sort of expect them to be all in too because entrepreneurship is hard and marriage is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done to date and this might sound weird but hopefully it's getting simpler but it's not getting necessarily easier. I hope you can understand that.
Rachel: Because you just get to know your partner better if you've been through some shit together. Certain things that used to be a big deal are just not anymore.
Dediako: And I'm into personal growth and that's what marriage shines a light on, your own personal growth. Not someone else's. You can't change anybody else. You can change you. So you know, I feel like you have to be with someone that supports you highly and I'm not talking about saying it. We can hear what people say but I like to see what people do and that takes time.
When people talk to me, I barely listen. I listen to what they do. I watch them and I see how they act. And you know, that's how my relationships progress or, I guess, dissipate, based on that particular thing – actions are very important. Talk is cheap. It's cliché but I've never heard truer words.
Rachel: Yeah, and we always need that reminder. And this is very true when you think about team as well. Sometimes you guys have people on your team who ain't doing shit…
Dediako: But can talk a good one.
Rachel: Exactly. And you need to let them go because if you look at what have they produced, there's nothing. So those are the things I think always having that reminder of actions, actions, actions. But also too, Alex asked this. I do agree that I think if you can have a partner who's very much also into personal development and their own personal growth, you will always – I feel like that creates a scenario where nine times out of 10 you can easily – not easily, but you can navigate things because you're willing to look at yourself and say where do I need to improve. Whereas people who are not into personal development, we all have friends like that. Not into personal development and it's hard to even hang out with them.
Dediako: Well, I ain't going to lie, I do it sometimes. I always be like, I wish you would change, and then I have to catch myself. Well, why should she change? That's who she is at her core. Let me change. I need to be different if I want a different result. And that's kind of how you got to think about it. Don't look to change anybody. Change yourself.
Rachel: I agree. So Alex says, “Have you always been into personal growth or did one of you inspire the other?”
Dediako: That is interesting. I don't – I think that everyone is into personal growth.
Rachel: No, lies.
Dediako: I think everyone is into personal growth, we just do it differently. And here's the thing, I'm 43 years old, I feel like I have a decent amount of experience in this world and I've been around I guess, and my life has just taught me you always want to do better. Just do better.
Rachel: Yes, and I think maybe most people do want to do better and they probably are just bogged down by whatever thoughts or experiences they've had that are preventing them from moving forward. So maybe it's that, but in terms of who inspired – I think we were both into personal development and that's actually how our relationship began. We used to have these interesting conversations.
Dediako: Arguments, they were.
Rachel: We would have debates.
Dediako: For a year before we started dating, just on the phone arguing every day about religion, politics, everything, race.
Rachel: And we had a lot of things – I feel like there's probably more than we have in common now, but we had a lot of things that we totally disagree on.
Dediako: Back in the day.
Rachel: And it doesn't require being agreeable. I think it requires just being accepting and not always feeling like I'm perfect, I'm right, or even if you are right, that's fine but that doesn’t mean that – they don't have to agree with you in order for you to be friends. I've heard people say like, if you want your marriage to succeed, you have to have a lot in common, and I don't know that I agree.
Dediako: I don't think we have a lot in common personally.
Rachel: I agree. There's not – but I think the personal development, that we have in common. I feel like where it counts we have shared values, and I think that's what's most important. It's the same thing that's important when you're building your team. You have shared values, you can work on skills, you can train them to do the things that you need them to do, but if they don't have the same values as you, you can't train that in somebody. And you can't change what somebody's personal values are. They can change it but you can't change it.
What are your thoughts about – one of the questions we got, and this will be my last one unless anybody else has any questions that they want us to answer, but somebody asked if you're a woman who is a breadwinner, how do you not make your partner feel shitty about whatever, their life, their personal success?
Dediako: That's interesting.
Rachel: I almost feel like the question itself was flawed, right?
Dediako: Well, yes and no. Why do they feel shitty?
Rachel: Exactly. This is what I'm saying.
Dediako: Why would they feel shitty about your success? Because then that's not your partner. That's what we call a frenemy. You got to be careful with who you're with. And true, sometimes maybe just a lack of wisdom, not intelligence because you know, wisdom is gained through experience, so maybe it's a lack of wisdom and they don't understand that if she – your partner or him, whoever – progresses, you progress with them. It's not their progressing and leaving you behind. Why do you feel left behind? These are the questions you really got to be asking. Why are you insecure in my success or their success as opposed to why are they successful and leaving me behind. It's very warped.
Rachel: I think if you are a breadwinning woman and you're worried about your partner feeling like less than, that's your own bullshit that you have to deal with.
Dediako: You need to deal with that. It's not your partner. That's you.
Rachel: Why do you assume because I think some women do this and I think it's a societal thing that it's assumed that if I make more money I'm emasculating my partner and…
Dediako: Make all the money.
Rachel: That's bullshit and I think it's not that kind of stuff that emasculates your partner or disempowers them because I feel like fuck emasculation. That's not what it is because I think you can make your partner feel like they don’t have power in the relationship and it's not about whether or not you're a woman or a man. Either one can feel that way, and I will tell you one thing that I've seen that is a source of – that can become a problem in your relationship, if you don't start drawing a salary for your business.
Dediako: Yes. That's important.
Rachel: That was a shit show for a while. And I didn't realize how important it was or the drama that I was causing by not doing that. So like, I paid us every week, we got paid every week but it was like, $700 this week, $1200 that week…
Rachel: $2000 that week. So then if he's managing household expenses and he's trying to make decisions for the children, for child care, et cetera, and he don't know what's coming in, what's not, when the next time we'll get paid will be, and then he has no certainty, it takes away all his power to make decisions financially because he's always waiting on what's she going to do, you know? And that fucking sucks, especially when the business is the main source of income for the family.
So the sooner you can start drawing a salary, which is good not only for your relationship but for all things related to your business, the better. So get your ass on payroll. I don't care if your pay yourself $250 a week while your revenue is revving up, but get in the habit of doing that because I think that that reliability is super important and I think that is something that can make your partner feel disempowered when they don't know when the money is coming in or when.
So I think that that's an important piece to the whole I'm the breadwinner or whatever. And also too, treating them like a equal because the reality is – and I've seen conversations and I'm like, I totally disagree where it's almost like the oppressed become the oppressor. We're like, women become breadwinners and then they're like, well, I make all the money so I'll let you know. And I'm like, don't do that. That's a really bad idea. You do not want to get into that, I'm telling you.
Dediako: That's what it is. The oppressed becomes the oppressor, time and time again.
Rachel: Right, because if the gender roles were reversed, we would be like, that dude is dead wrong. But when you're doing it as a woman, you feel justified and you shouldn't because the bottom line is – and honestly, I can tell you as an attorney, the law says this as well, which he's well versed so maybe he feels empowered in that sense because he knows it. But the reality is that the money that's made in the household, if one party is staying home, that's their money too. They are enabling you to make that money. I 100% would not have this business where it is today if he doesn't do what he does, including even contributing seed money…
Dediako: That's not true.
Rachel: No, it is true. It's 100% true. You need that support. So treat them like an equal when it comes to the funds, especially – even if you're the breadwinner, even more so. Go out of your way to not use language that suggests this is my money and that little bit over there, that's your money. Here's your little piddly allowance.
Dediako: Separate accounts all good.
Rachel: Yes, that's actually been a really good thing and that was his idea. I really didn't care. Of course, I didn't care because I could see the money coming in or whatever. For him, it was really important like I need my money separate from all the shit you got going on. So like, I need my little certainty over here. But I think all of this comes from just having honest conversations and don't be afraid to do that.
Trust me, there are topics that I've been afraid to approach him on and have conversations about but the reality is like, either I'm going to be upset or he's going to be upset or this is not going to continue in a positive way if we don't have a conversation. So I think just sitting down, even going out to dinner. Create an environment where it's conducive to being open and having a good conversation, and spend time together because I think that's important too.
We went away for my birthday for a couple of days and we don’t do that enough, but we're going to do that again soon and just doing that, going on date nights, go away for a weekend, actually pour some time and energy into that relationship and into your bond because I think the whole world is a big threat and if you're an entrepreneur, it's even greater because just the emotional highs and lows of yay, I had a launch and everyone bought my shit, my website crashed, my launch is dead. Literally can happen in the same day, and that's the type of stuff – that emotional journey is a lot and that's a lot of stress on your relationship. So you have to make sure you're pouring into that as well just like you pour into your business.
Dediako: Yeah, just remember it's you and your partner against everyone else.
Rachel: Yes, totally agree, including in-laws.
Dediako: Including in-laws.
Rachel: We've been there, done that.
Dediako: Sometimes it gets…
Rachel: Do not let those kids do that. So I've seen this too where one of our kids will go ask daddy something, he says no, then they'll come ask me. And we're like, no, it's always a unified front. You don't play sides. Nope.
Dediako: We don't play that.
Rachel: Yeah, so I think your kids can come between you two.
Dediako: They can. You've got to be aware of that.
Rachel: Maya said from the perspective of what you outsource or hire a service for, food service, house cleaning – what things do we outsource. So…
Dediako: House cleaning, we have the kids, the nanny. I mean, sometimes groceries but that's something I kind of like so I tend to do it.
Rachel: I hate the grocery store with a passion. But sometimes as a way to show love, I will go. So this weekend, he's like, fuck, I made something and I didn't realize we are out of carrots and we're out of cucumbers. And he's like, I'll go to the store, and I could tell he didn't want to go and I was like, I'll go, I'll go to the store.
And that's just a way for me to be like, you know, that's something I could do as a small thing, but it's kind of like what can you do to get some points in the love bank. Just do those things as much as possible and they become a habit too where you think of your partner and what might they need right now in the day.
Dediako: Thinking about their needs as well.
Rachel: Exactly. I used to get so annoyed because he likes to play video games, that's how he decompresses at the end of the day, and I'll be like, you're supposed to hang out with me, you're always playing video games. Bitching and moaning about that all the time, it was like me against the video games. I don’t know why I took it so personally because it wasn't important to me, I'm saying it's not important to him.
But anyway, I just learned to like, listen, you need that time. Let me give you what you need and then guess what, then we can have really amazing quality time because he's had some time to himself and I need it too. So anyway, in terms of – I don't know how we got off track. But one of the things that we did that I think is a really great tip is we did the Hello Fresh box.
Dediako: Yes, that was really good for a while.
Rachel: That comes with the food and the recipes and then either one of us would make it, a lot of times it was him, I would do it occasionally, and then we starting having the nanny do it, and that was the best thing ever, but then we got tired of it. We did it for like, six months and we were like alright, it's kind of getting repetitive so we're going to switch to a different one.
And we've had a personal chef but it was before we moved here and she was all up in our space. It just wasn't the right person but we're thinking about somebody else now as a potential personal chef. But definitely housekeeping, every single week, we're not doing that, and the nanny who does the laundry, she straightens up every day, especially after the weekend where it's like a fucking tornado came.
Dediako: That's pretty much it. I don’t know that's much else that we could outsource. I mean I guess having the kids – we got dinner and we shuttle them back and forth from school but…
Rachel: But there's certain things that we like and the thing is too is like…
Dediako: You don't want to be a shut in.
Rachel: Exactly. And we invest in conveniences. So like for example, one of the things that we used to do was he used to always drive me to the airport when I had a business trip with the kids and it's a lot. It's nice, we get to talk, it's an hour drive, but it's kind of like, you don't want to fucking do that. So now I take a taxi and we invest in that expense so that it's not an additional burden on him to go back and forth with kids in the car.
So it's just having that mindset of how can I get this off my plate without it being something that I have to burden myself or my spouse with. So outsource whatever the hell you can. So that's it. That's what we have to share with you guys. I hope that it was helpful. I hope you take some tips away, but I have to say one of the things you should definitely do is read the article that I posted because that was a game changer for you, right?
Dediako: Yeah, it was. It was highly insightful and also the love language test.
Rachel: Yes, do those two things. So give that article to your spouse, you read it, have them read it, because I think it just provides so much clarity about like okay, this is so – entrepreneurs are fucking crazy and it's hard to be married to them, but then when you read that article as a spouse, you're like oh, I get it now. So I think that article is helpful and then do the love language thing.
And then again, always put whatever you can put in the love bank of your partner so that you can earn up some points so that when you say I want to jet off for the weekend, it's not a problem because you have been in a place of service instead of taking, taking, taking all the time, which I'm sure most of you, that's not the issue. But anyway, bye guys.
Okay y'all, I hope you enjoyed that episode with my amazing man. And I hope you got a lot out of it and got some ideas about how you will be running your own household in a way that supports you, supports your business, supports your kids if you have them and supports your spouse as well.
So here's my homework item for you guys this week. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to schedule a time to talk with your significant other if you have one. So put some time on the calendar when you won't be busy with work or kids or other responsibilities, and just sit down and plan. Sit down and talk about like, hey, how is this going for you? How are things in our relationship? Let's rate it one to 10. What could be improved? What could we do to improve it?
Let's rate our household and the domestic stuff. How's that going? What could be better? And how are things going financially? How are things going with parenting? How are things going with our sex lives? Let's dig into it. So I really encourage you to have a meeting with your loved one and spend some time discussing your life together and talk about ways you can improve it.
This is not a combative time. Maybe you want to get some champagne, maybe some wine and some cheese and crackers. Make it fun. Maybe you go out to dinner and have this discussion. Don't turn it into an argument. You always want to approach your problems as it's us against the problem together. You and your significant other against whatever the problem or challenge is.
So I want you to take that approach, reach out to your partner, schedule a time to get together, just the two of you, and talk about what's working for you guys in your lives, what could be better. Spend some time dreaming and planning for what you want your lives to look like this year and ask for the support that you need.
Use this as an opportunity to ask for support and allow your spouse or significant other to ask for the support that they need as well. Ask them what they need. I think this is going to be one of the best things that you do all year. So I encourage you to have that conversation. Put it on the calendar, schedule it, make it happen, and let me know how it goes.
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It's a great way for you to interact, we have discussions about the podcast episodes, about the newsletters that we put out every week. It's a great place for you to find out what's going on with my company, Hello Seven, and keep up on the latest. So come join our community, get connected, get plugged in to women who are building wealth through entrepreneurship. So go to facebook.com/groups/helloseven to join right now.